now that the numbered honeymoon days are through

It occurred to me at once
That love could be a great illusion
That makes fools of brilliant thinkers everyday

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about this verb “love” in the past month. I thought I knew what it was—I thought it was all so simple. But I realize, more and more, that I’m hanging on to the idea of “relationship” rather than “love.” Yes, it’s good to have a commitment, and I realize that not every moment in a relationship is meant to be warm and fuzzy.

But I’m coming to terms with some of the things that people have told me over the past three years. That this is my first serious relationship. That maybe I’m trying too hard. That it seems as though my confidence has decreased over the past couple years. That maybe it’s not supposed to be so much…work.

I’m giving myself a couple months. Months to figure out who it is I am now, and where I’m going. I need to feel healthy again. I need to know that he is who I want, not just a nice, safe, option. And of course, I need to know that I am who he wants, too.

I don’t have answers. I can’t explain everything that’s happening. What I can do, however, is return to a time on the mini-bus in Nicaragua when we were discussing the qualities we wanted in a life partner. I can’t find the list…maybe I’ll find my centro journal when I move…but it’s got me thinking again about what I would want to see in someone that I want to spend a great long period of time with.

Here are a few (these exempt qualities like honest, funny, etc that everyone wants):

Wanting to change the world
Willing to be silly
Traveler
Loves music
Reader
Fits with the crazy humor of my family
Liberal mindset
Can say “I love you”
Loves his family
Interested in international affairs
Encourages me to write
Encourages me to dream
Wants to live in my beach castle by the waves