Guilt

I feel guilty. For not updating a blog, for not sending cookies, for not writing my personal statement. I feel guilty for the fact that I haven't worked out and for the fact that I ate boxed mac and cheese for dinner tonight.

I feel guilty that I feel guilty.

I push. I push and I push and I push myself and then I wonder why I can't do it all, and I remember...apparently I have a body that is working against me in every way, shape, and form.

Sometimes I think it's getting better. Sometimes I think I'm managing the endo pain better, and that I can beat this, and that it's not going to cause such dramatic valleys in my life. And then other times the seizing pain is there and I'm ridiculously tired each night and I just can't do anything but make some real food and then go lie down.

And then other times, I get toothaches so bad that I feel like screaming. And I go to the dentist and he immediately sends me to the oral surgeon and the surgeon gives me an appointment for three days later and says hey, we're taking out all your wisdom teeth. Then he gives you a prescription for extra strong ibuprofen, and between that and the nausea created by the decaying tooth interfering with my nerves all I want for dinner is a box of Annie's mac and cheese.

Still I can't get beyond the guilt. I have about twenty blog posts in my head. I have a nearly complete personal statement. I have resumes written for people kind enough to write recommendations for me. But I just don't have the strength to do anything except lie and wait.

So wait I shall. I hope y'all are more patient than I.