I am experiencing extreme frustration right now, for a few reasons. I figure it's best to write here rather than to continue to take it out on people that are simply trying to help.
First, I'm extremely frustrated with my co-op work right now. I jumped right into the New Orleans Food Cooperative work, without really considering what it might mean. I figured, food policy, ok, this was a chance to be involved with something local, sustainable, and with a positive impact on the local economy. I still believe this--but I don't believe that planning a cooperative makes for the best use of my talents. I've been trying and trying to help prepare a grant submission, but keep experiencing roadblocks in the form of people not understanding that this is what I do on a daily basis.
Second, I'm frustrated with my job in general. It's not what I wanted, not what I ever wanted, and at this point I'm sticking with it for the money--something I promised myself I would never do. I hate that I spend a significant amount of time waiting around for someone to give me work. It's not that I don't take opportunities to create work myself--it's that there's no work for me to create. I am purely reactive, and it makes me crazy.
Third, I'm frustrated with my education. I know that everyone thinks that I did such a wonderful job making this all come together...but that doesn't mean that it's what was best for me. I fell in love, and so I chose this city. I sought out Tulane because their School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine does have a great reputation. But their Food and Nutrition track is not fantastic, and the switch to Environmental Health wasn't the best choice, either. In short, I'm here because I made my plans fit to Tulane, rather than seeking out the best fit for me.
This is all coming to a head because, more and more, I'm realizing that it is likely I won't be content until I have at least a masters--and more probably a PhD. For years I've known that what I want to do is research. I love the reading, love the analyzing, love making the pieces fit and then communicating those ideas to the rest of the world. I'm sure that it's likely that I can get to this place by staying right where I am, finishing my MPH and continuing on to a PhD. But I'd always wonder where I could have been had I given myself the chance. Can I convince someone to pay me to study? I don't know...but I think I'm going to try to find out.
Whew. Just writing it down has lowered my frustration. I know that I've a lot of difficult work ahead, both in sorting out my thoughts and in execution. I'd like to stay involved with the co-op for as long as this amazing city is my home, but even more so I'd like to do as much as I can with the farmer's market. I have to take a long hard look at my education--I don't even know how to go about finding the programs I might want. I've started, but I don't know how to proceed. I also need to finish my biostats class (ugggggggggggggh) and sign up for two more classes. I might as well get as many for free as possible.
Have I mentioned recently how ready I am for vacation? As much as people might not believe it, being bedridden for over a week does not constitute vacation. I haven't had a day off that was not sickness related since Mardi Gras (and actually...that day was a little sickness related, too). I'm ready for a week of being away. I'm ready for the stress relief of family and of old friends and of water and...I'll stop there.
----------------
Now playing: Snow Patrol - Hands Open
via FoxyTunes
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
It'll be great to see you. It sounds like you really need a breath of fresh air. It's good that you're thinking through possibilities.
Post a Comment