A Constallation of Frustration Driving Hard

I am experiencing extreme frustration right now, for a few reasons. I figure it's best to write here rather than to continue to take it out on people that are simply trying to help.

First, I'm extremely frustrated with my co-op work right now. I jumped right into the New Orleans Food Cooperative work, without really considering what it might mean. I figured, food policy, ok, this was a chance to be involved with something local, sustainable, and with a positive impact on the local economy. I still believe this--but I don't believe that planning a cooperative makes for the best use of my talents. I've been trying and trying to help prepare a grant submission, but keep experiencing roadblocks in the form of people not understanding that this is what I do on a daily basis.

Second, I'm frustrated with my job in general. It's not what I wanted, not what I ever wanted, and at this point I'm sticking with it for the money--something I promised myself I would never do. I hate that I spend a significant amount of time waiting around for someone to give me work. It's not that I don't take opportunities to create work myself--it's that there's no work for me to create. I am purely reactive, and it makes me crazy.

Third, I'm frustrated with my education. I know that everyone thinks that I did such a wonderful job making this all come together...but that doesn't mean that it's what was best for me. I fell in love, and so I chose this city. I sought out Tulane because their School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine does have a great reputation. But their Food and Nutrition track is not fantastic, and the switch to Environmental Health wasn't the best choice, either. In short, I'm here because I made my plans fit to Tulane, rather than seeking out the best fit for me.

This is all coming to a head because, more and more, I'm realizing that it is likely I won't be content until I have at least a masters--and more probably a PhD. For years I've known that what I want to do is research. I love the reading, love the analyzing, love making the pieces fit and then communicating those ideas to the rest of the world. I'm sure that it's likely that I can get to this place by staying right where I am, finishing my MPH and continuing on to a PhD. But I'd always wonder where I could have been had I given myself the chance. Can I convince someone to pay me to study? I don't know...but I think I'm going to try to find out.

Whew. Just writing it down has lowered my frustration. I know that I've a lot of difficult work ahead, both in sorting out my thoughts and in execution. I'd like to stay involved with the co-op for as long as this amazing city is my home, but even more so I'd like to do as much as I can with the farmer's market. I have to take a long hard look at my education--I don't even know how to go about finding the programs I might want. I've started, but I don't know how to proceed. I also need to finish my biostats class (ugggggggggggggh) and sign up for two more classes. I might as well get as many for free as possible.

Have I mentioned recently how ready I am for vacation? As much as people might not believe it, being bedridden for over a week does not constitute vacation. I haven't had a day off that was not sickness related since Mardi Gras (and actually...that day was a little sickness related, too). I'm ready for a week of being away. I'm ready for the stress relief of family and of old friends and of water and...I'll stop there.

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Now playing: Snow Patrol - Hands Open
via FoxyTunes

And I'll be home before the morning comes

Two major decisions today.

One: I bought my plane tickets home. This was a little hard because I've been holding off, not sure when I wanted to return or if I want to make a quick west coast trip while I'm on that side of the world. So I bought a united ticket for the way there, arriving at 7:30 on Saturday, Dec 22nd, and then bought a southwest ticket for Saturday, Dec 30th, figuring SWA has easy to change tickets and I could hop around the coast if need be. But yay for going home for Christmas!

Two: I'm changing my concentration in school from International Health and Development to Global Environmental Health Sciences. The International Health department at the School of Public Health has too much of a women's health focus and I am looking more for food policy so I decided to take a chance and switch to Environmental Health. Still an MPH...but a little scarier since I have to take science now. I figure it's been calling me for awhile though so it's a good move.

Now I need to go home and rest...I've overwhelmed myself...

I met a girl who kept tattoos for homes that she had loved

Hello family.

I miss you.

I wish I could be there.

I tried to convince the ticket agent in Providence to let me take a plane to Portland when my flight to New Orleans was unable to get through...but no go.

I didn't realize it would be this hard until I actually did it...being away from y'all...not seeing my parents for six months...that's the longest it's ever been.

I may technically be an adult but I miss my parents, and I miss all of you who are descending upon Grandma and Grandpa's house and trading stories and playing Pounce and making movies. I can't wait to see the Em&Em movies.

It's a hard weekend for me. I'm sure we'll do the phone pass around thing, but it won't be the same.

Love you. See you at Christmas.

The Comfort We Create To Prove We're Something

"The comfort we create to prove we're something
But we're starving
Screaming in the night cause you want answers
From the one..."

Solace for the Soul is the result of a cry of my heart. It was a cry that I never expected to lead me here; to this moment. Eight years ago I asked God to light a fire inside me, to show me who He is, and to give me a passion for Him unlike anything I’ve ever known. God heard my cry. The Lord was quick to reveal a few things to me. He showed me that I did not know Him because I did not spend time with Him. He showed me that I did not have a passion for Him because I did not spend enough time in His word. He also showed me that I did not pray expectantly because I did not trust Him to answer my prayers. He showed me, in a sense, that I needed to start over in my relationship Him. So I started with the basics. First, I dedicated a part of each morning to reading God’s Word. I faithfully read the one year bible and journaled everything I learned from that particular day’s reading. Second, I carried an index card around with me with a verse for the day and a list of prayer requests. I read them frequently and found myself crossing things off and adding new things to the list each day. Third, I emersed myself in good music. I played worship music in my home even when I wasn’t there. Fourth, I surrounded myself with people who love Jesus, and learned alot about God by listening to them and by watching them live their lives. These are simple actions that dramatically changed my life. By taking the time to sit at the feet of Jesus, I grew to know my Savior in a way I never thought possible. I read the Bible anticipating that I will learn something new. I pray expectantly that God will answer me. My simple cry to know God allowed the Holy Spirit to renew me, and filled me with a passion for Christians to know God’s Word and for Christians to make it a priority in their lives to spend time in prayer, to seek solace for their soul.

This is what is written at the bottom of my Auntie Amy's blog.
Let's see, she is...12 years older than me, which would mean that it was when she was (roughly) 30 that she decided to seek a deeper relationship with God. I can only hope that if I start now, at a younger age, I can be as on fire as she is when I reach the same age. Auntie, I admire so much the way that you live out your beliefs and the way that your relationship with God permeates every thing that you do.

And lately I've been realizing that all that I do, the freakouts I have, the sorrow that I feel, it all comes down to the fact that I do not trust in God enough...the faith that I've always thought is so strong in my life is nothing but a smoke screen. It is there in the fact that I believe in God and probably always will, but trusting him to guide my days...well, apparently that is giving someone else too much control.

So what to do? It seems I have the guideposts right here. Dive into the Bible. Read it all (for once; never made it through those Kings that I was required to reading in confirmation...sorry Dad). Make commitments to prayer. Faithfully attend my community group and cross my fingers that another standard poodle does not try to sink its teeth into my wrist.

I have so many issues with control, with giving it up. I've been fighting with God, trying to say that I am ok, that my faith is just grand, that I don't need to do more. And then I spiral down and I know that I can't do it myself, but still I try and try.

Now my strength will be in my weakness...after all, that is where God's power is made perfect.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

Mark your calendars, everyone...Kirsten is coming home!

I arrive in Portland on Thursday, December 21st (hey, isn't that the first day of winter?) and I believe I will be home until the following Wednesday, when I need to catch a flight to Nicaragua. That, in a way, is going home for me too...but I digress.

I'll be home for Christmas, and not only in my dreams. So remember to set a place for me at the table! I hope that no one is planning some sort of weird family Christmas this year. B's family is having Christmas at the beach and while I think that it would be kind of cool, I'm just not sure I'm ready for that sort of change yet. As much as I joke about our family christmases, I love our distinct traditions and am looking forward to coming home to them.

I'd like to ask a favor though, to anyone who knows all my friends and connections in Oregon...please don't shout at the top of your lungs that I'm coming home. To me, Christmas is a time for family and I'd like to keep it that way (FYI, I do include Ramona and the Lewises as my family). Last time I felt that I shortchanged both my family and friends by making promises I couldn't keep, and so this time I'd like to keep it more of a relaxed family affair, and hopefully coordinate things so that they are better planned.

So there's the dates, I'll be available the 22-27th, I can't wait to see y'all (don't worry, I don't have an accent yet!)