The Comfort We Create To Prove We're Something

"The comfort we create to prove we're something
But we're starving
Screaming in the night cause you want answers
From the one..."

Solace for the Soul is the result of a cry of my heart. It was a cry that I never expected to lead me here; to this moment. Eight years ago I asked God to light a fire inside me, to show me who He is, and to give me a passion for Him unlike anything I’ve ever known. God heard my cry. The Lord was quick to reveal a few things to me. He showed me that I did not know Him because I did not spend time with Him. He showed me that I did not have a passion for Him because I did not spend enough time in His word. He also showed me that I did not pray expectantly because I did not trust Him to answer my prayers. He showed me, in a sense, that I needed to start over in my relationship Him. So I started with the basics. First, I dedicated a part of each morning to reading God’s Word. I faithfully read the one year bible and journaled everything I learned from that particular day’s reading. Second, I carried an index card around with me with a verse for the day and a list of prayer requests. I read them frequently and found myself crossing things off and adding new things to the list each day. Third, I emersed myself in good music. I played worship music in my home even when I wasn’t there. Fourth, I surrounded myself with people who love Jesus, and learned alot about God by listening to them and by watching them live their lives. These are simple actions that dramatically changed my life. By taking the time to sit at the feet of Jesus, I grew to know my Savior in a way I never thought possible. I read the Bible anticipating that I will learn something new. I pray expectantly that God will answer me. My simple cry to know God allowed the Holy Spirit to renew me, and filled me with a passion for Christians to know God’s Word and for Christians to make it a priority in their lives to spend time in prayer, to seek solace for their soul.

This is what is written at the bottom of my Auntie Amy's blog.
Let's see, she is...12 years older than me, which would mean that it was when she was (roughly) 30 that she decided to seek a deeper relationship with God. I can only hope that if I start now, at a younger age, I can be as on fire as she is when I reach the same age. Auntie, I admire so much the way that you live out your beliefs and the way that your relationship with God permeates every thing that you do.

And lately I've been realizing that all that I do, the freakouts I have, the sorrow that I feel, it all comes down to the fact that I do not trust in God enough...the faith that I've always thought is so strong in my life is nothing but a smoke screen. It is there in the fact that I believe in God and probably always will, but trusting him to guide my days...well, apparently that is giving someone else too much control.

So what to do? It seems I have the guideposts right here. Dive into the Bible. Read it all (for once; never made it through those Kings that I was required to reading in confirmation...sorry Dad). Make commitments to prayer. Faithfully attend my community group and cross my fingers that another standard poodle does not try to sink its teeth into my wrist.

I have so many issues with control, with giving it up. I've been fighting with God, trying to say that I am ok, that my faith is just grand, that I don't need to do more. And then I spiral down and I know that I can't do it myself, but still I try and try.

Now my strength will be in my weakness...after all, that is where God's power is made perfect.