Change this something normal into something beautiful

Earlier this week, I promised I'd write about the mailer I received from Lutheran World Relief. Seeing as it's Sunday, and that apparently I can no longer sleep for more than six hours at a time, now seems an appropriate time.

This is the kind of fast day I'm after: to break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed, cancel debts. What I'm interested in seeing you do is: sharing your food with the hungry, inviting the homeless poor into your homes, putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad, being available to your own families. (Isaiah 6-7, The Message)

LWR is working on a campaign entitled "Fill the Bowl." The goal: $500,000 raised to support current, successful food growing programs. These programs support food security (moving away from monocultures), sustainable agriculture (caring for the land as a way of improving crop yields), and emergency food aid (currently to assist communities in drought-stricken Niger).

There is a disconnect in our nation. We are obsessed with food. We frantically hunt for the best diet. We seek out new options to excite our dulled taste buds. We self-medicate by binging on sugar, and counteract by refusing to eat for days. We seek food that is easy, that is simple, that fuels us, that is cheap but that does not factor its true cost to society.

I do realize we're in an economic crisis. However, we've brought it upon ourselves. Our fuel costs are soaring--and we have an agricultural system based upon cheap oil. While it is tempting, as food costs escalate, to choose what has the cheapest price ticket at the grocery store, it is not sustainable. It is time to consider the true costs, and to see how those costs are affecting the rest of the world, a world fixated on food not because there are too many options, but because there are too few.

If Isaiah were writing today, I think his words might be something like this:
The fast I choose is this: Each day, as much as possible, to consciously avoid foods which perpetuate the endless cycle of injustice. With this fasting I will choose foods which support the local economy, which promote fair trade, which elevate small-scale farmers rather than large corporations. Join me. Your food choices, do, in fact, help you to feed the hungry. Consider others beyond yourself.

I chose to include the devotional from Isaiah that the LWR flier uses because, once again, I feel that many Christians are neglecting to view food and food policy as an essential element of social ministry. Do justice. It is easy to send away a donation (and I do encourage it; please visit LWR). But the broader view--seeing that food choices impact local farmers, undercut societal traditions, devastate the environment--this is a view that is gathering momentum, but it is not moving quickly enough.

It's not meant to be easy. But true justice rarely is.


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Now playing: Jimmy Eat World - Chase This Light

You Lose Control When You Hold Too Tight

Sabbath ceasing [means] to cease not only from work itself, but also from the need to accomplish and be productive, from the worry and tension that accompany our modern criterion of efficiency, from our efforts to be in control of our lives as if we were God, from our possessiveness and our enculturation, and finally, from the humdrum and meaninglessness that result when life is pursued without the Lord at the center of it all.

- Marva J. Dawn
Keeping the Sabbath Wholly

I would love to do a nice jokey blog for April Fools, but I've not been feeling so jokey. I've had a hard day, relationship-wise, dental-wise and work-wise, and so when I found this quote in my Sojo-mail it really helped.

Two days ago I finished the book Eat Pray Love. I think that this is a book that will stick in my head for quite some time. Although some critique the book based on the fact that Liz is unable to look past herself and her issues, the entire premise of the book is that she has hit such a low point in her life that she must escape, run as far as she can, to rediscover herself--and to find God in the midst of it all. I was most interested in what she has to say about India, where she goes on a spiritual retreat at an Ashram run by her guru. Now, I don't know how much I want to be into Indian spirituality, but I do like yoga...and what I liked the most was her struggle to stop talking at God and learn to listen to God.

And Liz has huge control issues. Huge. I identify. I need to keep reminding myself...let go...let go...rest in God. Rest in the fact that God is in control. Not me.

Now if someone would like to give me a book advance to go determine how to do such a thing, let the record show I am more than willing to accept.
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Now playing: Jimmy Eat World - Firefight

But I'm getting better at fighting the future

They say that there are two topics not to discuss in polite company: religion and politics. I say it's time to shatter that accepted belief and jump right in. Now is not the time to be silent when speaking with friends and family about our politics, or about the way that our faith shapes our politics.

I know that many of my circle are John McCain supporters. This seems to be for a variety of reasons--he appears honest, he is supposedly a maverick, he is the Republican candidate and the Republican Party is the party of moral values. But the major problem with McCain is that he won't be a candidate that chooses life. John McCain has already made it clear that he is not only willing to continue the long slog in Iraq, but is ready for war with Iran as well. He is a supporter of free trade, a free trade that continues to hold down the most impoverished citizens of the world. He made clear in a recent interview that he is not interested in pursuing renewable energy or strict fuel economy standards.

Many of these points have been noted in a previous blog. What I'm saying here is that it's time for us all to examine what it really means to live our faith. Our faith should dictate each and every piece of our lives. I'm aware that this is difficult, oh so difficult, but for goodness' sake, for God's sake, please, please incorporate it into your voting.

From the earliest Old Testament Jubilee years to the prophets crying for justice to Jesus' teachings on "the least of these", it is clear that a belief in God should propel us to call for a change in the policies of the US. Justice means an end to preemptive war. Justice requires a call for fairer trade and development policies that allow the 2/3s of the world living on $2 a day a chance at a life in which they don't worry each day about how they will eat. Justice is caring for our planet so that we don't degrade the soils, pollute the water and flood our cities.

Yes, these are concepts that we can all work toward through our private lives, through our churches and through community organizations. But our churches aren't the ones that sign off on war (most were against the Iraq invasion), our churches can't pledge billions for international development (although we can buy pigs for Haiti), our churches can't impose carbon caps or fuel economy standards. We have a chance to change our country, and through our country the world, but it has to come from both directions--it must come from the grassroots, populist movement, and it must come from the top, from leaders and an administration with courage to look beyond our borders and beyond today.
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Now playing: Jimmy Eat World - Dizzy
via FoxyTunes

take the beauty, take my tears, take my world apart

i thank You God for most this amazing - e.e. cummings

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky;and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday;this is the birth
day of life and love and wings:and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any-lifted from the no
of all nothing-human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings is undoubtedly my favorite poet. he captures so perfectly what i feel on this day, what i feel most easter days, even in oregon when i awake to a dreary, drizzly easter sky. today millions of christians awake to celebrate he who has died who is alive again today...and we stare about this illimitably earth, seeing the goodness of god reflected back, and somehow our doubts are smaller, our belief overflowing.

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Now playing: Jars Of Clay - Worlds Apart (Live)
via FoxyTunes

I am but one small instrument

People say, "What good can one person do? What is the sense of our small effort?" They cannot see that we must lay one brick at a time. We can be responsible only for the one action of the present moment. But we can beg for an increase of love in our hearts that will vitalize and transform all our individual actions, and know that God will take them and multiply them, as Jesus multiplied the loaves and the fishes.

- Dorothy Day
from Loaves and Fishes

Loaves and fishes, the subject of our gospel on Sunday and the bible study this week.

How many times I have asked myself...what's the point? What's the point in me recycling a can, paying more for organics, scootering instead of driving? After all, this is a city in which people freely toss cans and bottles in the garbage can (unthinkable to most west-coasters), a nation in which most people strive to find the best bargain on foodstuffs, a population who believes it to be their unalienable right to drive the biggest gas-guzzlers possible. What good does my individual effort really do?

Some days I'm tempted to just let go of the fight. Washing my tin cans is so much more time consuming than tossing them in the garbage sack, and if I didn't pay so much for my groceries, I could probably afford more shoes. When thoughts like these cross my mind, it makes me realize that these choices I make really do stem from my faith, in particular my biblical sense of justice.

God grants us life. God allows us the freedom to choose, from choosing faith right on down to choosing to drink from a disposable water bottle. But God also tells us, over and over, to care for the poor. To do all we can for those that have the quietest voice. To DO justice. I am fortunate enough to both have a voice and be able to make choices. What kind of faith would I be living if I were to not consider the rest of the world, who has no ability to protest when their soils are degraded, their staple food prices too high to purchase, or their waters are polluted?

And so, bit by bit, I consciously make choices that I often feel have absolutely no impact on the wider world. I'm trying to make them more and more, but it's extremely difficult some days (after all, I really do love shoes). But when I interact with others making those small contributions, I'm reminded that I'm not alone. And God gave me a voice. Others may tire of hearing it, but it's a call, a mission, a ministry.

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Now playing: Sherwood - We Do This To Ourselves
via FoxyTunes

on a river laden up with prayer and doubt and dreams

I'm not going to use a sojo quote this week as my "get myself in the CG mindset" inspiration. Instead I'd like to use my traditional song lyric inspirations because these few choice melodic expressions continue to stand out.

So save your prayers, for when you’re really gonna need them
Zero, Smashing Pumpkins

I traveled back to high school today in honor of the fact that Smashing Pumpkins will be at Voodoo Fest next week and I wanted to remember how much I love their songs. Now, Billy Corrigan is quite a God-pessimist, so it does not surprise me in the least that he includes this lyric. After all, this is the same song that notes, “God is empty, just like me.” Yet those of us that do believe in God often seem to follow this advice, as though God can only take so many prayers before he’s tapped out.

To go along with this quote, a lyric that always, no matter how many times I listen to the song, stands out with incredible clarity:

I finally feel strong enough to pray
Maybe Tonight, William Tell

Again…this seems to be the opposite of what is necessary, although in a way I understand the sentiment. William thanks God in the linar notes so I don’t think he’s trying to be flippant, rather just articulating something that happens to all of us. We want to be able to do it on our own. We want to come to God clean, whole, and strong. But we can’t get there—God comes to us.

And finally we have:

So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about
The Unwinding Cable Car, Anberlin

There’s so much in this short statement from Stephen Christian, who insists that his band is not a “Christian band,” but that his faith impacts every aspect of his life. First, how often do we forget to take the time to say thanks (whether it’s to God or to the people in our life)? We’re so involved in ourselves that we just leap from thought to thought, demanding more, not realizing when a desire that we have has been granted. Also, when we become so focused on ourselves and our needs, we forget that we have already had so many of our needs met. When all we think of is ourselves and how to make ourselves happy—when we’re self-absorbed—it’s easy to ignore that God has answered our prayers, because all we’re focused on is the new prayers that we want answered. And of course we want them answered in the way that we desire…

In short.
You can’t pray too much.
Praying when weak isn’t only acceptable, it’s encouraged. And necessary if you’re anything like me.
Take a moment to say thanks.
Don’t be so busy wanting that you forget what you’ve got.

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Now playing: Anberlin - There Is No Mathematics To Love And Loss
via FoxyTunes

When The Melody Has Nothing To Hold

May the God of our Lord the Almighty Father
Give you wisdom and peace his comforting spirit
That you may know his hope
And you may know his wisdom
And you may know his mighty strength

Last night at community group this chorus came into my head and has been re-entering my thoughts again and again in the past eighteen hours. I’m not sure what brought it on, as we were discussing salt and light, but these words retain the same calming effect they had when I was young and I would tap out the melodic line on with my right hand as I attempted to hit the high notes with my childish little whine.

All these years and I still don’t know how to put a bass line beneath a melody. I don’t know how to surround the beautiful with the contrast, with the support that it needs to stay afloat, to keep lingering in the air long after the actual notes have died away. I still want to let my right hand dance and not take the trouble to learn how to work the left hand.

The left hand signifies so much in this example, so much that I wasn’t even thinking about before I remembered singing this song and only knowing the right hand piano part. The left hand is the support that I forget that I have from family and friends. I am so busy worrying about how they might perceive me that I don’t let them inside, but yet expect them to understand my feelings. The left hand is studying for an epidemiology test rather than assuming I can wing it like I’ve done for the past 20 years of my life. The left hand is knowing that there are rough patches in relationships and that they’ll be there whether you choose the evil you know or the evil you’ve yet to see. The melody dies away without support, whether that support is a listening ear, an ability to garner information, or the strength of knowing that tension can provide cohesion.

But of course the left hand is God, and although I can say that this is the one left hand that I never forget, that doesn’t mean that I don’t forget what is given to me through my faith. I’m given hope. Wisdom. Strength.

And peace. Peace is so hard to find when I want to do it all myself, when I want to create a beautiful song and have it reach others ears. I become so frustrated when I want so badly to have something turn out right and it crashes down…usually due to my own ability to have patience, to have peace, to simply wait.

I think I’ve reached a point where it’s finally all I can do…rely on the knowledge of peace.

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Now playing: Jars Of Clay - Collide
via FoxyTunes

I could feel something different for the first time

The unknown frightens us, the unfamiliar discomforts us, even though they offer new life. Encountering great love or deep emotion, we fear lack of control and loss of self, so we use speech to dispel the experience and regain solid footing. We are afraid of seeing in a new way someone we have neatly classified, afraid of having our minds changed, our hearts moved, our soul turned inside out. Comfortable with our everyday, slightly despised mediocrity, we shy away from revelations of the intimate closeness of the transcendent God.

...Pastor Dan Schlewitz (soon to be Doctor Pastor Dan Schlewitz)

There is so much packed into these few sentences that it's hard for me to even express why they strike me so. But I'm carrying this paragraph around in my wallet so I'd like to try.

The unknown frightens us
The unfamiliar discomforts us

I'm frightened. I'm scared of school, of whether I decided to take the right path and the right concentration. It's hard for me to step out of my box and make new friends and make an effort to get outside my little house. I'm worried about not knowing the future and what it might bring. Yes, it will bring newness, but what if it's not better?

Encountering great love or deep emotion, we fear lack of control and loss of self

Recently I've had close encounters with deep emotion, and what do I do? I talk or I write it out. Over and over. I try to articulate it, try to make sense of it. Am I making less of it that way? I don't know, but I do know that I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions that feel as though they are betraying me. I do feel as though I am spinning out of control.

We are afraid of having our minds changed

Yes. Most definitely. I find an idea and I hang on to it. I have a perception of a person and it sticks with me. But when I do allow my mind to be changed, it is almost always amazing.

Comfortable with our everyday, slightly despised mediocrity

The number one reason, I think, that I can't make myself finish my book. What if it's not good enough? I may as well just stick with what I got now, because what if my dreams can't be realized?

So what is this saying?
It's saying Kirsten, stop being scared. You've come this far. Why does your pessimism cause you to believe that life gets worse, not better? It's ok. Step up to the edge, take a deep breath, and jump. You'll find your voice. You'll keep discovering how you can change the world. You can let down the barriers around your heart. Don't try to force things to conform to your timetable.

God is cutting through everything that I thought I knew and sending it spinning in circles, making me feel like I've been flipped upside down. But in the middle of all that, I feel as though I am finally learning patience. Rather than rush through these experiences so that I can analyze them or so that I can move on to the next stage, I am attempting to slow down and just enjoy. It will fall into place.

I am not really sure how that fits with the top quote, but it's where my thoughts went.

What You Ignore Is Priceless to Me

Good morning, all.

I just finished my reading of Galatians (kinda sad that six chapters took me so long; I guess it's clear that I haven't quite established a daily pattern). In chapter six, the parts that really stood out for me are the parts relating to the idea that we, as Christians, are to take the side of the oppressed and speak out for them. Paul also notes that we cannot allow ourselves to become fatigued by doing good--we must remember to care for ourselves, because if we are tired and worn down, how can we help others?

So now it is time to take the plunge and return to the Old Testament, starting with Genesis. Again, it feels as though I've read the first half of Genesis over and over, but it seems like it would be cheating to start at Exodus. Besides, I have a new perspective on the OT after an article my dad sent me, entitled Reading the Bible in Spanish.

Well, I wrote this on Saturday and it's now Wednesday, but I'm going to try to find my train of thought.

Reading the Bible in Spanish. No, not literally. Instead, reading the bible in Spanish means taking a different worldview than you might when you read the bible from a typical middle class US citizen perspective. Quite a bit of this article clicked when I read it. For instance, the concept that much of our "bible learning" in the states revolves around sweet little bible stories. In the OT, these would include: Creation, the plagues, the 10 commandments, the flood, David and Goliath, Jonah and the Whale...you know the ones I mean. I realized that these are mostly the extent of my bible literacy, too--me, a PK!

This article points out that when all we know about the bible involves a whitewash of purity and holiness, we find it hard to relate to the events and stories. After all, we're not often pure and holy. But if we take the time to read further into the OT, we'll find the grit...and that's when we'll start to realize that we, too, can be part of the people of God, because the bible is full of people who are utterly sinful, and God uses them as important building blocks.

But the part of the article that really drives home how important reading the OT should be is the part where the author stresses that the message of Jesus cannot truly be understood without knowledge of the message of the OT. In particular, the author reminds us that Jesus is meant to be more than simply a "spiritual savior," but rather he is the last in the line of a great prophetic tradition. Our salvation is not limited to a life after death, but it incorporates life today. The OT shows us a God who is all about JUSTICE, and without that reading, we forget that Jesus came to bring about justice, also.

Ok, my message is getting lost here, trying to do too many things at once. The point is that I've stopped putting off my reading of the Older Testament, and will try now to see that what I think I know is not all that there is to know.

Let go of your fear, let's grow old together

It's my last day of being 25. It feels a little weird. I don't know why, but I'm not eager to turn 26. 25 sounds nice and round and fun and able to take on the world.

26 sounds like I should have things a bit more together than I do. Not sure I can fix that in the next 13.6 hours.

And suddenly I have much less time left of being 25, because five hours have passed since I started this blog. What have I done today? I awoke before 6 am, unfortunately, but, fortunately, I had excellent coffee from the french press. Whole Foods has bulk bins of coffee which they roast on the premises and then label with the date of roasting, so I know that this coffee was roasted on Monday.

I read from Galatians today. I know that my read the bible in a year idea should really start with Genesis, but I feel as though I've read Genesis over and over and never pushed on, so I thought since I felt pulled to Galatians I may as well start there and then see where it leads me. And this is the part that stuck with me today:

Galatians 25-26: Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.

I think that's the hardest part about being committed to living a godly life: being sure that you reflect your belief in everything that you do, not just bits and pieces that you pick and choose.

So that was the start of my early morning, great coffee and finally sitting down with my Message. It went downhill from there. I spent way too much time updating my shuffle, only to forget it at the house. Bus was late and packed and filled with cell talkers, making me really wish I had the shuffle. Work has been one struggle after another, with no way for me to get on top of what I already am behind on (hmm, maybe not blog, but this is my sanity break since my lunch was fast). I had to take extra time out of my day to go to a pointless training. My weekend plans are still not firm and that makes me feel out of control. Oh, and it's a complete bad hair day. And eyebrow day. I firmly believe the worst part of moving is having to find a new waxing specialist.

I'm just trying to make it through the last couple hours of my day. Leftovers await me from the meal I made on Monday, along with homemade tortillas from last night. I plan on a bath with a facemask and a session with the nail polish. And I'm making dark chocolate chip cookies and bran muffins (not to go together). So I guess what I'm doing is making sure I'm ready to take on 26.

8 hours, 8 minutes.

The Comfort We Create To Prove We're Something

"The comfort we create to prove we're something
But we're starving
Screaming in the night cause you want answers
From the one..."

Solace for the Soul is the result of a cry of my heart. It was a cry that I never expected to lead me here; to this moment. Eight years ago I asked God to light a fire inside me, to show me who He is, and to give me a passion for Him unlike anything I’ve ever known. God heard my cry. The Lord was quick to reveal a few things to me. He showed me that I did not know Him because I did not spend time with Him. He showed me that I did not have a passion for Him because I did not spend enough time in His word. He also showed me that I did not pray expectantly because I did not trust Him to answer my prayers. He showed me, in a sense, that I needed to start over in my relationship Him. So I started with the basics. First, I dedicated a part of each morning to reading God’s Word. I faithfully read the one year bible and journaled everything I learned from that particular day’s reading. Second, I carried an index card around with me with a verse for the day and a list of prayer requests. I read them frequently and found myself crossing things off and adding new things to the list each day. Third, I emersed myself in good music. I played worship music in my home even when I wasn’t there. Fourth, I surrounded myself with people who love Jesus, and learned alot about God by listening to them and by watching them live their lives. These are simple actions that dramatically changed my life. By taking the time to sit at the feet of Jesus, I grew to know my Savior in a way I never thought possible. I read the Bible anticipating that I will learn something new. I pray expectantly that God will answer me. My simple cry to know God allowed the Holy Spirit to renew me, and filled me with a passion for Christians to know God’s Word and for Christians to make it a priority in their lives to spend time in prayer, to seek solace for their soul.

This is what is written at the bottom of my Auntie Amy's blog.
Let's see, she is...12 years older than me, which would mean that it was when she was (roughly) 30 that she decided to seek a deeper relationship with God. I can only hope that if I start now, at a younger age, I can be as on fire as she is when I reach the same age. Auntie, I admire so much the way that you live out your beliefs and the way that your relationship with God permeates every thing that you do.

And lately I've been realizing that all that I do, the freakouts I have, the sorrow that I feel, it all comes down to the fact that I do not trust in God enough...the faith that I've always thought is so strong in my life is nothing but a smoke screen. It is there in the fact that I believe in God and probably always will, but trusting him to guide my days...well, apparently that is giving someone else too much control.

So what to do? It seems I have the guideposts right here. Dive into the Bible. Read it all (for once; never made it through those Kings that I was required to reading in confirmation...sorry Dad). Make commitments to prayer. Faithfully attend my community group and cross my fingers that another standard poodle does not try to sink its teeth into my wrist.

I have so many issues with control, with giving it up. I've been fighting with God, trying to say that I am ok, that my faith is just grand, that I don't need to do more. And then I spiral down and I know that I can't do it myself, but still I try and try.

Now my strength will be in my weakness...after all, that is where God's power is made perfect.