There's a New Day Calling for You

I don't post much with song titles or lyrics anymore. I consider it getting myself past childish notions, I suppose, or romantic ideals. But today these lyrics are constant. So I thought I'd share.

Sway your head move your feet wake yourself from the sleep
If there's a day there's a way you can get yourself there
Golden smile you've got style that they can't take away
Scream and shout get it out before it swallows you
No surprise in these times how it really comes through
All the walks and the thoughts but can you break through?

I always need a day. If something happens that shakes me, that hurts me, that blindsides me or wreaks havoc on my hopes, I need a day to wrap my head around it. That's the day when you can't give me logic, or tell me to keep my chin up. I need that grey day.

You're alive.
So alive.
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot it's now or never
There's a new day calling for you
You gotta believe

What other option is there but to keep going? I mourn a bit, but then I must pull it all back together. So I get up, and I make the sweet vanilla polenta for breakfast, and I tie on the running shoes and throw on the Villa jersey and I give it another go.

Build a plan yes you can you've got nothing to lose
Look around up and down you've gotta choose
Can't you see the sunrise that came up for you?

There's nothing left for me to lose. So why not aim as high as I can? Why have I been looking backwards, considering jobs that I clearly did not want to be my career? Why have I been seeking out Tacoma when all along this has been about loving Seattle, loving being an urbanite? Let's look forward. New loves. A new day, a new plan.

You're alive.
So alive.
Now c'mon
You gotta pull yourself back together
Give it one more shot it's now or never
With a new day calling for you
You gotta believe
You gotta throw yourself back in the water
Take in one deep breath, you're getting closer
After all you taught and seen
You gotta believe

I could feel something different for the first time

The unknown frightens us, the unfamiliar discomforts us, even though they offer new life. Encountering great love or deep emotion, we fear lack of control and loss of self, so we use speech to dispel the experience and regain solid footing. We are afraid of seeing in a new way someone we have neatly classified, afraid of having our minds changed, our hearts moved, our soul turned inside out. Comfortable with our everyday, slightly despised mediocrity, we shy away from revelations of the intimate closeness of the transcendent God.

...Pastor Dan Schlewitz (soon to be Doctor Pastor Dan Schlewitz)

There is so much packed into these few sentences that it's hard for me to even express why they strike me so. But I'm carrying this paragraph around in my wallet so I'd like to try.

The unknown frightens us
The unfamiliar discomforts us

I'm frightened. I'm scared of school, of whether I decided to take the right path and the right concentration. It's hard for me to step out of my box and make new friends and make an effort to get outside my little house. I'm worried about not knowing the future and what it might bring. Yes, it will bring newness, but what if it's not better?

Encountering great love or deep emotion, we fear lack of control and loss of self

Recently I've had close encounters with deep emotion, and what do I do? I talk or I write it out. Over and over. I try to articulate it, try to make sense of it. Am I making less of it that way? I don't know, but I do know that I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions that feel as though they are betraying me. I do feel as though I am spinning out of control.

We are afraid of having our minds changed

Yes. Most definitely. I find an idea and I hang on to it. I have a perception of a person and it sticks with me. But when I do allow my mind to be changed, it is almost always amazing.

Comfortable with our everyday, slightly despised mediocrity

The number one reason, I think, that I can't make myself finish my book. What if it's not good enough? I may as well just stick with what I got now, because what if my dreams can't be realized?

So what is this saying?
It's saying Kirsten, stop being scared. You've come this far. Why does your pessimism cause you to believe that life gets worse, not better? It's ok. Step up to the edge, take a deep breath, and jump. You'll find your voice. You'll keep discovering how you can change the world. You can let down the barriers around your heart. Don't try to force things to conform to your timetable.

God is cutting through everything that I thought I knew and sending it spinning in circles, making me feel like I've been flipped upside down. But in the middle of all that, I feel as though I am finally learning patience. Rather than rush through these experiences so that I can analyze them or so that I can move on to the next stage, I am attempting to slow down and just enjoy. It will fall into place.

I am not really sure how that fits with the top quote, but it's where my thoughts went.

Let go of your fear, let's grow old together

It's my last day of being 25. It feels a little weird. I don't know why, but I'm not eager to turn 26. 25 sounds nice and round and fun and able to take on the world.

26 sounds like I should have things a bit more together than I do. Not sure I can fix that in the next 13.6 hours.

And suddenly I have much less time left of being 25, because five hours have passed since I started this blog. What have I done today? I awoke before 6 am, unfortunately, but, fortunately, I had excellent coffee from the french press. Whole Foods has bulk bins of coffee which they roast on the premises and then label with the date of roasting, so I know that this coffee was roasted on Monday.

I read from Galatians today. I know that my read the bible in a year idea should really start with Genesis, but I feel as though I've read Genesis over and over and never pushed on, so I thought since I felt pulled to Galatians I may as well start there and then see where it leads me. And this is the part that stuck with me today:

Galatians 25-26: Since this is the kind of life we have chosen, the life of the Spirit, let us make sure that we do not just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives.

I think that's the hardest part about being committed to living a godly life: being sure that you reflect your belief in everything that you do, not just bits and pieces that you pick and choose.

So that was the start of my early morning, great coffee and finally sitting down with my Message. It went downhill from there. I spent way too much time updating my shuffle, only to forget it at the house. Bus was late and packed and filled with cell talkers, making me really wish I had the shuffle. Work has been one struggle after another, with no way for me to get on top of what I already am behind on (hmm, maybe not blog, but this is my sanity break since my lunch was fast). I had to take extra time out of my day to go to a pointless training. My weekend plans are still not firm and that makes me feel out of control. Oh, and it's a complete bad hair day. And eyebrow day. I firmly believe the worst part of moving is having to find a new waxing specialist.

I'm just trying to make it through the last couple hours of my day. Leftovers await me from the meal I made on Monday, along with homemade tortillas from last night. I plan on a bath with a facemask and a session with the nail polish. And I'm making dark chocolate chip cookies and bran muffins (not to go together). So I guess what I'm doing is making sure I'm ready to take on 26.

8 hours, 8 minutes.