I Miss the One I Care For...

I own a shirt that reads, "I found my heart in New Orleans."
In a city in which I have experienced such turmoil, such frustration, such fragility,I truly found my heart. Here, amidst the brokenness of both a city and of myself, I have re-discovered love.
I have discovered love, and passion, as it relates to one of the essentials of life: food. I know now that almost nothing makes me happier than preparing food. I want to study it, to talk about it, to help people to realize that food is more than just an energy source, but it is a part of local economies, of culture, of community. Continuing to commodify it has negative effects on our health, in both a personal and corporate sense.
But more importantly, I have discovered the love of community. The people that I've found here have reminded me that we're not meant to live our lives in isolation. This community that we've built for ourselves revolves around enjoying the city together, cooking together, eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner together, exercising together, worshiping together, doing nothing together. My life here, with the community I've made here, is the one I've been wanting since graduating college.

But I'm leaving.
I'm leaving this city that still holds a piece of my heart. When I think about turning and walking away, it hurts. But there is something more out there. There is family, whom I miss more each day. There is another city that I have loved for my entire life. There is a piece of my heart, residing out there near Puget Sound. But ultimately, there is home.

I leave in a little over two weeks. I have to make it quick, like a band-aid, or I'll linger on and on. But in those two weeks we have Krewe du Boo, we have a pumpkin party, and we have Frenchmen Street. There are still more restaurants then I will be able to visit in this short amount of time. I hope to see y'all before I take my leave--you are the reasons I stayed so long, and you will always have a place to crash in Seattle.


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Now playing: We Shot The Moon - Please Shine
via FoxyTunes

Like Love Loss Lies and Us

Like lipstick traces on pillowcases
Some things in life are unforgettable
Like love, loss, lies and us
Some things in life are undeniable
...Adelaide, Anberlin

So I've been avoiding the blog a bit. I haven't had the words, and I'm not sure I have them yet, but they are part of a story that has been told so many times already...

Once again, B and I seem to be on the out-side of our romantic relationship. Every other time that this has happened, we have not been strong enough to see through a break. We are each other's best friend, and we have grown together and want many of the same things for our future. But at this point, it feels that we are more often hurting each other than uplifting each other. We have yet to decide what our relationship might look like. We know that we don't want to slam the door on the possibility of ever trying romance again, but we also know that we want to place our friendship and our individual needs first.

For the first time in the history of these breaks, I don't feel upset, or scared, or nervous about the future. For once I'm able to let it go and know that the future is not in my hands. I know that we will both be healthier if we just step back and not work so damn hard on this.

Speaking of healthy, Mom arrives tomorrow night! She's going to be here for four days to help make sure we get my health back on track. I'm so tired of being tired, of worrying about what is off in my body. Tomorrow morning is yet another doctor's appointment and at this point I just want to know something.

I do have to say this, for those of you who read my blog from far away: while I may not have my genetic family here, in the past year I've come to find a family, a community, a group that makes me grin and brings tears to my eyes with how wonderful they are. They've given me ears, brought me meds, are accompanying me to the doctor, let me sleep on their couches, make me breakfast while I study, and given me reason to leave the house when I just want to stay inside with the covers wrapped around me. Although tonight, after a biostats exam given by Satan's messenger, a night tucked in bed sounds quite alright by me.