Like Love Loss Lies and Us

Like lipstick traces on pillowcases
Some things in life are unforgettable
Like love, loss, lies and us
Some things in life are undeniable
...Adelaide, Anberlin

So I've been avoiding the blog a bit. I haven't had the words, and I'm not sure I have them yet, but they are part of a story that has been told so many times already...

Once again, B and I seem to be on the out-side of our romantic relationship. Every other time that this has happened, we have not been strong enough to see through a break. We are each other's best friend, and we have grown together and want many of the same things for our future. But at this point, it feels that we are more often hurting each other than uplifting each other. We have yet to decide what our relationship might look like. We know that we don't want to slam the door on the possibility of ever trying romance again, but we also know that we want to place our friendship and our individual needs first.

For the first time in the history of these breaks, I don't feel upset, or scared, or nervous about the future. For once I'm able to let it go and know that the future is not in my hands. I know that we will both be healthier if we just step back and not work so damn hard on this.

Speaking of healthy, Mom arrives tomorrow night! She's going to be here for four days to help make sure we get my health back on track. I'm so tired of being tired, of worrying about what is off in my body. Tomorrow morning is yet another doctor's appointment and at this point I just want to know something.

I do have to say this, for those of you who read my blog from far away: while I may not have my genetic family here, in the past year I've come to find a family, a community, a group that makes me grin and brings tears to my eyes with how wonderful they are. They've given me ears, brought me meds, are accompanying me to the doctor, let me sleep on their couches, make me breakfast while I study, and given me reason to leave the house when I just want to stay inside with the covers wrapped around me. Although tonight, after a biostats exam given by Satan's messenger, a night tucked in bed sounds quite alright by me.

Lose your head just for your heart

Two miles between you and me
But there might as well be an ocean
It's hard to believe we lost everything
We might as well be strangers
Cause I'm flying kites into the wind
And watching my life fall to pieces
And I'm painting pictures of all your lost letters
And hoping to just carry on

I'm caught in the streams of yesterday's dreams
And all I can say is I'm sorry
For two broken dreams that meant everything
A promise that I couldn't keep

A five minute drive between you and I
But I think i just might take a plane
To wake up and find you're not by my side
But to see your coat up on the wall
As clear as it seems, oh I still can't believe
But now we just float along
The sidewalks and streets, rhythm gone from our feet
The winter's going to be cold

Caught in the streams of yesterday's dreams
And all I can say is I'm sorry
For two broken dreams that meant everything
A promise that I couldn't keep

She says kiss me before you go through with this
Kiss me before you go through with this
And I couldn't do it, she just isn't me
She says kiss me before you go through with this

Caught in the streams of yesterday's dreams
And all I can say is I'm sorry
For two broken dreams that meant everything
A promise that I couldn't keep
..."Reseda", Waking Ashland

We're a few miles apart and yet the distance feels greater than it ever did when we were a few thousand. Our lives are still connected and yet there's such tension, such awkwardness...how do we behave now? What do we mean to one another? Are we headed toward something or away from something?

At this point, to me, it feels like away. As much as it will hurt...I can't imagine forever right now. I can't face the thought of leaving my schooling and my city to follow him at his job, especially since the job is one I just can't comprehend or understand the importance.

I am realizing more and more two things about myself: I am a passionate person, and I am a relationship person. People will always come first to me, not my job or my chores. It's an attitude of life that so much of the world embraces but is rarely seen in the states, where we do-do-do and have to "accomplish". B has a consistent need to "accomplish." I hate that he can't just sit and do nothing with me. I also don't see his passion. He gets excited about certain events, activities, or hobbies, but never for very long. I don't see anything he's working toward in the long run. He vaguely talks about moving up at work, but never with a specific reason. He doesn't have the mindset of wanting to change the world. He doesn't want a family or to be married really. So what is life about? That's what I'm trying to figure out. He wants to save money so he can retire young and travel. To that I say: that's what young-ness is about! I don't want to wait, I want a job and a life that allows flexibility and lets me keep moving and growing and changing.

But one of the other things I've realized over the past couple weeks is that I am a hopeful person. I'm always looking ahead, planning, dreaming, longing. Even though there are so many crazy and sad events occurring in my life, the hope is still there. In the light that makes sure I am up before 6am, I have hope. In the stars, I see faith. Every time I move through water I know that I'm washed clean and I've been put right.

This is all going to start hurting more and more, I can feel it. But if I hang on to those words I just wrote, I'm going to get through it.