I want to be somewhere else

Once again I find myself watching the sky. Although it's 8am, the light is still wavy, and there's a tension between the lead grey skies on this side of the sound and the bleached out blue trying to emerge out above Bremerton.

I'm watching the sky and thinking about how, two weeks from today, I'll be seeing the sky from 4700 miles away. 8 time zones. Something like 18 hours on a plane. But considering my mind seems to reside in GMT half the time anyway, I'm not sure it will be that much of a change.
Let's back up. A few days ago, I was offered the opportunity to head to Europe almost-free. The catch? Leaving in two weeks. Now, I realize that leaving a job when unemployment hovers around 10% in this state is possibly one of the dumbest things a girl can do. However, I do have freelance work, and I live rent-free. After I start law school, when will I have this opportunity again?
I also believe this is something I need to do for my health--both mental and physical. I need to wrap my head around the rest of my life. I have to figure out which school I am setting out for next year (8 possibilities so far). And I have to come to terms with where I am in physical health. It's been nearly 2 years that I've had endo, and yet I still haven't adapted. I don't want to acknowledge I have a chronic pain condition, and I certainly try to ignore my compromised immune system. I operate as though I am in ultimate health. Before I settle into this new stage of law school, I need to figure out how to cope with the days I can't sit up, or need to sleep for sixteen hours. I need to play with diet and I need to strengthen my core. I've been trying for the past six months, but I constantly slip up due to the demands of two jobs, a commute, and attempting to have a social life. If I pull myself out of that cycle, I hope I can figure out exactly what helps my health.
So I've thrown up the flag of surrender and I'm escaping across the Atlantic for a few weeks. While Susan doesn't exactly know where her job is sending her, I know I'll be in Germany and Switzerland, and we might get to head to Italy. And after she leaves, I'm headed to London (!!!) to see K1 and Richard and just be in my favorite city for a few days. Hope to do some volunteer work. And...well...to be at least near Wembley on February 28th for the League Cup final. Yes, I'm that crazy that I will head that direction (Wembley, not Europe in general) just to be near where the Villa will be playing.
The last blog I posted said I wouldn't be using this one for awhile, as I just couldn't find a direction for it, and I wanted to embark on a new project. This is not my new project, but it's certainly an opportunity to quench my wanderlust for a year or so. I'll try to post here while I'm away, and if I've a few months of unemployment on my hands, I'll be posting some recipes when I return.
But for now, time to track down the passport, call the credit card companies, and deliberate over how many pairs of shoes I can fit in my suitcase. I'm going to Europe!!!!!!

Like The Orphan Needs Home Once Again

It's not Mother's Day, I know. But my mom leaves for Romania tomorrow, so today she gets her own blog.

That's right, my mother is going to Romania. My mom has been to Canada, TJ and Costa Rica. When she remembers Costa Rica, she always talks about the horrible roads (funny, they're not much worse than NOLA). And now, when she has plenty of vacation time saved up, and expendable income that could allow her a tour of the UK or another trip to Hawaii, she is going with Medical Teams International to help the children of Romania. She's going to train foster parents and teach parenting skills. And, of course, love on the small children. This woman sees a baby and goes crazy. Get it all out now mom...you gotta give your baby love somewhere.

But I'm feeling pretty selfish today. My mom is going to be gone for two weeks. Two weeks! Not even when I was in Centro did I go that long without hearing from my mother. I get an email or a text message every day. What if I have a crisis? What if something good happens? What if, once again, I go shopping and need to tell her what I bought? Oh, wait, I'm forbidden from that. But everything else--two weeks and no Mom to talk me down from my inflated crises or listen to my silly whines or check on me when I don't email her back within an hour.

Still, I'm so proud of you, Mom. You could've easily let your fears outweigh you. You could have given up before you even started, believing there was no way you could raise enough money to go. With all my medical issues, it would have been easy to fall back on that and use it as an excuse not to go. I know you're nervous. But the nervousness has not been enough to keep you from going. God has called you to live out your faith by using your talents. You have an incredible ability to care for people and to get them to share their fears and dreams with you. You will be able to show God's love in truly amazing ways.

You leave tomorrow, Mom. You will see things that break your heart. But you will experience so much that shows you how people mend those cracks, how we cope and how even those who seemingly have nothing are able to give everything. You will return and you won't be the same as you were when you set foot on the plane. You'll find it hard to describe to those that weren't there. But try. Try, because people need to know where there is pain and heartache and joy and wonder. You're not just going out to see somewhere new. You will carry a piece of the places you go with you. So be warned--this will change you forever.

Be able to be broken. It's worth it.

I love you Mom. And I'm so proud.

From all of the NOLA crowd (everyone together now): Be safe now, ya hear?

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Now playing: Led Zeppelin - Living Loving Maid
via FoxyTunes

La flor mas linda de mi querer

At home, an abundance of books and papers overlays the heavy furniture I inherited from my grandparents. A perfectly simple room, with one perfect object to meditate on, remains a dream until I step outside, onto the Plains. A tree. A butte. The sunrise. It always makes me wonder: What is enough? Are there enough trees here? As always, it seems that the more I can distinguish my true needs and my wants, the more I am shocked to realize how little is enough.

- Kathleen Norris
Dakota

Every day.
Every day--that's how often I think about leaving. About finally doing it, running away, going to the place that has my heart.
And every day I find a new excuse. Quite a bit of the time, it has to do with the "stuff" I am so used to. I like to pretend I'm not, but hey, this life is easy, right? I have two iPods. High speed internet. Fully stocked kitchen. Not enough room on the bookshelves for all my books. Unlimited access to Guitar Hero.
Can I really live without this? Do I really want to go somewhere where I wouldn't have all these freedoms, all this luxury, all the comforts of my life?

It seems it would be so difficult, so very very difficult, to surrender them--not temporarily but long-term.

But yet there's still this:
I can feel Nicaragua clawing at my brain

I don't remember where I read that quote. I don't remember who said it or in what context. All I know is that it applies. Every day, every day, every day Nicaragua is there, a presence, telling me that love is sometimes more than a person, that love is sometimes a place, and that even for all its flaws, failures and difficulties, I am not willing to give up on love.

And so maybe this quote that I began with is something to repeat.
The more I can distinguish
My true needs
and wants
The more I am shocked
To realize
How little is
Enough

And I'll be home before the morning comes

Two major decisions today.

One: I bought my plane tickets home. This was a little hard because I've been holding off, not sure when I wanted to return or if I want to make a quick west coast trip while I'm on that side of the world. So I bought a united ticket for the way there, arriving at 7:30 on Saturday, Dec 22nd, and then bought a southwest ticket for Saturday, Dec 30th, figuring SWA has easy to change tickets and I could hop around the coast if need be. But yay for going home for Christmas!

Two: I'm changing my concentration in school from International Health and Development to Global Environmental Health Sciences. The International Health department at the School of Public Health has too much of a women's health focus and I am looking more for food policy so I decided to take a chance and switch to Environmental Health. Still an MPH...but a little scarier since I have to take science now. I figure it's been calling me for awhile though so it's a good move.

Now I need to go home and rest...I've overwhelmed myself...